Everyone it seems is doing "social networking" on-line these days, but somehow I just can't get myself to use most of those sites. The rampant irresponsibility with which many of those sites are used and run simply scares me. Currently the only site like this that I have an active membership at is CafeMom and I am even starting to re-think that one, which is sad since in many ways I see it as a very positive concept.
I am a very private person and thanks to my close association with my husband (a techno-geek specializing in computer security) I'm also a little paranoid when it comes to protecting my identity, especially when I'm on-line. I'm one of those people that when you look them up you might get a user nickname and a thought bubble, but everything else is limited to "friends only"- the exception, of course, being this blog and the occasional re-posts from here that I put up in CafeMom's journals section- though due to changing rules regarding journals, that will soon stop too.
I think what scares me most about sites like Facebook is that not only do the people who have profiles there not use the tools available to protect their personal information, but the sites themselves have been shown to be insecure and yet it seems that everyone keeps using them anyway.
The one service like this that I have heard of that truly seems to be worth trying is one of the newest ones on the web- Google +. Though I have not signed up for it myself yet, I am encouraged by what I am hearing from friends who have and, perhaps most importantly to me, from my husband who signed up a few days ago at the urging of friends that he trusts.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
What Happened to Following the Rules?
Why does it seem like the older I get the less people seem to be doing the right thing? Is it just me? It seems as though people are either not learning the rules to begin with or simply assume for some reason that the rules don't apply to them.
In the apartment complex that my best friend lives in, for example, there is covered parking spaces and uncovered parking spaces. The complex rules that everyone is forced to sign a copy of when they move in says that the uncovered spaces are free game, but the covered spaces are numbered and assigned by number to specific apartments so that each apartment has a covered space for their use. There's no excuse for anyone who lives there to not know this rule, but my friend is constantly frustrated by rude neighbors parking in her space. She's complained to the office several times, but it keeps happening anyway. Why? is it really that hard to follow the rules? Many of these neighbors have kids- don't they expect their kids to follow the rules?
Another example- The community pool where I take my kids to swim has some basic rules posted, stuff like how kids 13 and younger must be accompanied by an adult and kids 14-17 must at least have a buddy in that range with them. These rules seem pretty common sense to me, but it never fails that every time I am there I see someone ignoring the rules, e.g. teenagers bringing in their younger siblings, or most recently a 10 yr old coming in by himself. Often the management at the pool will catch those that shirk the rules, but almost as often, they just don't notice. As frustrating as the lack of attention by the management is, what bothers me more is Where are these kids' parents? Do they know what their kids are doing? Generally I am a huge believer in the idea that it's their kids, so it's none of my business, but it's starting to lead to arguments with MY kids. My 10yr old thinks I'm being unreasonable when I won't let her go to the pool without an adult. My teens get angry when I insist they go together or with friends if they're going to the pool. If I tell them that that's what the pool's posted rules say, they counter with a list of kids they know that are allowed to do what they are asking me to do. I try to explain the reasons for the rules and they counter with a list of reasons why they think the rules don't apply to them. Finally I have just given up and told them that if they want to continue using the pool that they need to follow the rules, otherwise they can just stay home. From my way of thinking, that is the responsible parental response... am I really in the minority?
Raising kids to do the right thing starts, in my opinion, with establishing rules and enforcing them. While, obviously, while you are at your home, that means you get to make the rules, it also means that when you are elsewhere, you need to enforce the rules of the new environment, whether it's church, school, a movie theater, a community pool, or any other public place. If you want to use your own rules all the time, there is no law that says you can't keep your kids home, but if you are like most of us, that seems cruel and really limits a kid's ability to develop social skills. I'm not saying that I think all kids should be forced into that, but I think that it is important that as responsible adults, we parents make sure that we know the rules for the places we allow our kids to go and then make sure that we follow the rules and that we make our kids follow those rules.
In the apartment complex that my best friend lives in, for example, there is covered parking spaces and uncovered parking spaces. The complex rules that everyone is forced to sign a copy of when they move in says that the uncovered spaces are free game, but the covered spaces are numbered and assigned by number to specific apartments so that each apartment has a covered space for their use. There's no excuse for anyone who lives there to not know this rule, but my friend is constantly frustrated by rude neighbors parking in her space. She's complained to the office several times, but it keeps happening anyway. Why? is it really that hard to follow the rules? Many of these neighbors have kids- don't they expect their kids to follow the rules?
Another example- The community pool where I take my kids to swim has some basic rules posted, stuff like how kids 13 and younger must be accompanied by an adult and kids 14-17 must at least have a buddy in that range with them. These rules seem pretty common sense to me, but it never fails that every time I am there I see someone ignoring the rules, e.g. teenagers bringing in their younger siblings, or most recently a 10 yr old coming in by himself. Often the management at the pool will catch those that shirk the rules, but almost as often, they just don't notice. As frustrating as the lack of attention by the management is, what bothers me more is Where are these kids' parents? Do they know what their kids are doing? Generally I am a huge believer in the idea that it's their kids, so it's none of my business, but it's starting to lead to arguments with MY kids. My 10yr old thinks I'm being unreasonable when I won't let her go to the pool without an adult. My teens get angry when I insist they go together or with friends if they're going to the pool. If I tell them that that's what the pool's posted rules say, they counter with a list of kids they know that are allowed to do what they are asking me to do. I try to explain the reasons for the rules and they counter with a list of reasons why they think the rules don't apply to them. Finally I have just given up and told them that if they want to continue using the pool that they need to follow the rules, otherwise they can just stay home. From my way of thinking, that is the responsible parental response... am I really in the minority?
Raising kids to do the right thing starts, in my opinion, with establishing rules and enforcing them. While, obviously, while you are at your home, that means you get to make the rules, it also means that when you are elsewhere, you need to enforce the rules of the new environment, whether it's church, school, a movie theater, a community pool, or any other public place. If you want to use your own rules all the time, there is no law that says you can't keep your kids home, but if you are like most of us, that seems cruel and really limits a kid's ability to develop social skills. I'm not saying that I think all kids should be forced into that, but I think that it is important that as responsible adults, we parents make sure that we know the rules for the places we allow our kids to go and then make sure that we follow the rules and that we make our kids follow those rules.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The Importance of Routine
Since I did a piece on Scheduling, I thought I should also do something about routines which are closely related, but, in my opinion, are actually more important. Routines are one of those things that most people have but just don't think about. Sometimes their complicated, but most of the time they are simple. What's important though is the sense of security that they afford us. That sense of security is especially important to anyone who has limited control over their lives. This need for consistency and routine just gets more intense as the sense of control decreases. That's why when as adults we feel like the world is against us and we don't see any way that we can change that, we tend to fall back to old habits- the habits are comfortable and familiar and give us a sense of consistency that is lacking in other areas of our lives at that point. Habits can be good or bad, but, either way, they are established the same way- through routines that you repeat over and over again until they become automatic.
As parents routines are one of the most potent tools in our arsenals. They help us teach kids manners like saying please and thank you and healthy habits like brushing teeth and even things that seem instinctual like functional play with toys, but we often forget how helpful they can be in helping our kids cope with changes, prepare for a difficult task, or just relax and calm down when they are upset. And routines get even more important with a special needs child with physical limitations or developmental delays as their inability to participate in the same activities as siblings or peers can make them feel completely helpless.
I have, of course, used routines with my kids for as long as I can remember, but I was never as acutely aware of how helpful they could be until my youngest, who is diagnosed with severe Autism, sensory dysfunction and a seizure disorder, came along, mostly because he required so much more involved routines. T's need for structure and consistency is easily twice or more as intense as my other 3 kids. Breaking one of his routines can ruin his whole day, or in some cases his whole week. Just for example, every morning when he gets up, T likes to spend 15 min or so cuddling with me on the couch- it is a very simple but important part of his morning routine.
One morning about a year and a half ago, we had a brief power outage in the middle of the night and so, of course, when I awoke needing to use the bathroom the next morning, I went into instant panic mode when I glanced at my watch and realized that T's bus would be there to pick him up in 10 minutes!
I quickly threw some clothes on myself, asked one of the older kids to go warm up a hot pocket for T's breakfast and began rushing T through his routine- go to the bathroom, get dressed, brush hair and teeth, wash face- then I glanced at my watch again. 1 min left until we were supposed to be at the bus stop. I headed for the kitchen to grab the hot pocket that his sister had indeed prepared and turned hand it to T, but he had not come to the kitchen with me. He was sitting on the couch waiting for me. I grabbed his hand and said "Come on, son. Time to go."
T has a severe communication delay and barely speaks, but he immediately understood that I had no intention of sitting on the couch with him and you could see the panic on his little face. He grabbed my wrist with his free hand and pulled me toward the cushion next to him "'Mon!" ('C'mon), he said.
"No, it's time for your bus."
"NO!!!!!" Instant tears. He tried again to pull me to the couch as I reached my other hand down to gently pull his body toward the front door. I got him off the couch and he collapsed at my feet. He wrenched his hand out of mine, grabbed his ears and began to rock back and forth, now screaming in addition to the tears which were absolutely streaming down his face.
That melt down took hours to get under control, and although I did get him calmed down and taken to school, his whole day was completely unproductive- so much so that I got a phone call from his teacher (who never calls unless there is a REAL problem) asking if T had had a bad night or something.
Eventually, T will have to outgrow the need for that piece of his routine, but for now it remains an important piece of his morning.
While this example, may seem extreme, look at your own routine. How many of you read the newspaper in the morning? Have you ever tried skipping that and then spent the day thinking that you had forgotten something, but couldn't remember what it was?
Or maybe you had a loved one that lived with you pass away and you woke in the middle of night because in your dreams you realized that you hadn't hugged or kissed that person good night.
Routine is important to us all.
As parents routines are one of the most potent tools in our arsenals. They help us teach kids manners like saying please and thank you and healthy habits like brushing teeth and even things that seem instinctual like functional play with toys, but we often forget how helpful they can be in helping our kids cope with changes, prepare for a difficult task, or just relax and calm down when they are upset. And routines get even more important with a special needs child with physical limitations or developmental delays as their inability to participate in the same activities as siblings or peers can make them feel completely helpless.
I have, of course, used routines with my kids for as long as I can remember, but I was never as acutely aware of how helpful they could be until my youngest, who is diagnosed with severe Autism, sensory dysfunction and a seizure disorder, came along, mostly because he required so much more involved routines. T's need for structure and consistency is easily twice or more as intense as my other 3 kids. Breaking one of his routines can ruin his whole day, or in some cases his whole week. Just for example, every morning when he gets up, T likes to spend 15 min or so cuddling with me on the couch- it is a very simple but important part of his morning routine.
One morning about a year and a half ago, we had a brief power outage in the middle of the night and so, of course, when I awoke needing to use the bathroom the next morning, I went into instant panic mode when I glanced at my watch and realized that T's bus would be there to pick him up in 10 minutes!
I quickly threw some clothes on myself, asked one of the older kids to go warm up a hot pocket for T's breakfast and began rushing T through his routine- go to the bathroom, get dressed, brush hair and teeth, wash face- then I glanced at my watch again. 1 min left until we were supposed to be at the bus stop. I headed for the kitchen to grab the hot pocket that his sister had indeed prepared and turned hand it to T, but he had not come to the kitchen with me. He was sitting on the couch waiting for me. I grabbed his hand and said "Come on, son. Time to go."
T has a severe communication delay and barely speaks, but he immediately understood that I had no intention of sitting on the couch with him and you could see the panic on his little face. He grabbed my wrist with his free hand and pulled me toward the cushion next to him "'Mon!" ('C'mon), he said.
"No, it's time for your bus."
"NO!!!!!" Instant tears. He tried again to pull me to the couch as I reached my other hand down to gently pull his body toward the front door. I got him off the couch and he collapsed at my feet. He wrenched his hand out of mine, grabbed his ears and began to rock back and forth, now screaming in addition to the tears which were absolutely streaming down his face.
That melt down took hours to get under control, and although I did get him calmed down and taken to school, his whole day was completely unproductive- so much so that I got a phone call from his teacher (who never calls unless there is a REAL problem) asking if T had had a bad night or something.
Eventually, T will have to outgrow the need for that piece of his routine, but for now it remains an important piece of his morning.
While this example, may seem extreme, look at your own routine. How many of you read the newspaper in the morning? Have you ever tried skipping that and then spent the day thinking that you had forgotten something, but couldn't remember what it was?
Or maybe you had a loved one that lived with you pass away and you woke in the middle of night because in your dreams you realized that you hadn't hugged or kissed that person good night.
Routine is important to us all.
Summer Scheduling
I was reminded this morning of the minor debate over the importance of scheduling for kids during the summer. While this is a subject most parents tend to either ignore or overdo, I believe that it's an important one.
There are lots of reasons for the debate, but the main argument is "Is it really worth my time?" because quite frankly summer is when most of us look forward to not having to force a schedule on our kids. I totally understand this position, but life with my youngest son, who is severely autistic, has caused me to rethink my position.
Especially during the summer, I have found that maintaining a very basic schedule is important for many reasons, not only for my autistic son, but also for my other kids and myself. Keeping a couple of basic daily events the same even during the summer goes a long way toward making getting back to school in the fall much easier, however it's important to not overdo it. I am a firm believer in the idea that if you don't allow kids time to do their own thing your inviting trouble.
My kids have a very skeletal schedule for the summer that has regular times for getting up, eating meals, and going to bed and generally includes at least one other event each day which changes from day to day. Most days that event will be a trip to the swimming pool. Other days it might be a trip to the children's museum downtown, or a joint outing with their cousins to the zoo. Beyond these basic things, I leave their schedule open so that they can play with their friends, read, play video games, watch movies, or whatever else they come up with (within reason of course).
I started scheduling with my kids shortly after the youngest was diagnosed in 2007, and at first, I was in "Super-Mom" mode and completely overdid it. I had almost everything on the schedule- even my kids' playtime with each other was timed out- but it quickly became apparent that I was pushing things too hard. The older kids rebelled, the younger ones tantrummed and they all whined and I accomplished very little beyond stressing myself out and making everyone miserable.
Then I discussed it with a good friend, who also has special needs kids and she said, "Honey, it's best to use a light touch. You have to provide enough structure that you stay in control, but allow enough freedom to not overwork yourself or drive the kids crazy." So I started removing things from the schedule and just leaving blanks. It didn't take long to get the schedule cut down to just basics- get up, meals and bedtime- but I worried that not having anything else in there gave the youngest too little practice with scheduled transitions. That's when I settled on the idea of scheduling one other event during the day. One variable event provides opportunity for him to practice transitioning to something he doesn't necessarily want to do and to practice following directions, but because it's just one thing, it's also a lot less stressful to plan and allows plenty of free time for the kids.
Once I figured out this formula, I was shocked at how well it worked. Over the following years, not only has getting back to school routines in the fall been easier, but I have also noticed that there was an almost immediate drop in the amount of complaints of boredom from the older kids and the general crabby attitudes that used to be so common, especially toward the end of the summer- definitely another plus! The whole summer experience with the kids has become more relaxed and enjoyable.
I would recommend giving it a try, even if you don't have kid with special needs.
There are lots of reasons for the debate, but the main argument is "Is it really worth my time?" because quite frankly summer is when most of us look forward to not having to force a schedule on our kids. I totally understand this position, but life with my youngest son, who is severely autistic, has caused me to rethink my position.
Especially during the summer, I have found that maintaining a very basic schedule is important for many reasons, not only for my autistic son, but also for my other kids and myself. Keeping a couple of basic daily events the same even during the summer goes a long way toward making getting back to school in the fall much easier, however it's important to not overdo it. I am a firm believer in the idea that if you don't allow kids time to do their own thing your inviting trouble.
My kids have a very skeletal schedule for the summer that has regular times for getting up, eating meals, and going to bed and generally includes at least one other event each day which changes from day to day. Most days that event will be a trip to the swimming pool. Other days it might be a trip to the children's museum downtown, or a joint outing with their cousins to the zoo. Beyond these basic things, I leave their schedule open so that they can play with their friends, read, play video games, watch movies, or whatever else they come up with (within reason of course).
I started scheduling with my kids shortly after the youngest was diagnosed in 2007, and at first, I was in "Super-Mom" mode and completely overdid it. I had almost everything on the schedule- even my kids' playtime with each other was timed out- but it quickly became apparent that I was pushing things too hard. The older kids rebelled, the younger ones tantrummed and they all whined and I accomplished very little beyond stressing myself out and making everyone miserable.
Then I discussed it with a good friend, who also has special needs kids and she said, "Honey, it's best to use a light touch. You have to provide enough structure that you stay in control, but allow enough freedom to not overwork yourself or drive the kids crazy." So I started removing things from the schedule and just leaving blanks. It didn't take long to get the schedule cut down to just basics- get up, meals and bedtime- but I worried that not having anything else in there gave the youngest too little practice with scheduled transitions. That's when I settled on the idea of scheduling one other event during the day. One variable event provides opportunity for him to practice transitioning to something he doesn't necessarily want to do and to practice following directions, but because it's just one thing, it's also a lot less stressful to plan and allows plenty of free time for the kids.
Once I figured out this formula, I was shocked at how well it worked. Over the following years, not only has getting back to school routines in the fall been easier, but I have also noticed that there was an almost immediate drop in the amount of complaints of boredom from the older kids and the general crabby attitudes that used to be so common, especially toward the end of the summer- definitely another plus! The whole summer experience with the kids has become more relaxed and enjoyable.
I would recommend giving it a try, even if you don't have kid with special needs.
Monday, July 11, 2011
"God's Plan"
As I have mentioned before I am an atheist, so I don't believe that there is a "God" to have a plan in the first place, but that isn't even what bugs me about this phrase.
What really bugs me about it is that people use these two words to get out of taking responsibility for things in their lives. I hear people say things like, "I don't know why I lost my job, but I'm sure it's part of God's plan for me." and it just makes me want to smack them upside the head.
First off, the majority of people that have something bad like that happen in their life, caused it themselves, either through their actions or through a lack of action Maybe Bob lost his job because he showed up to work drunk too many times, or maybe he simply called in "sick" more Monday mornings than company guidelines would allow. In some cases, it isn't Bob's fault so much as the upper management types mismanaging things, which is sad, but still not part of any greater "plan" for Bob and his family who must now find a new way to make ends meet.
Saying that such an event is "God's plan" is in my opinion irresponsible and self-defeating. If Bob can't recognize how he screwed up to cause himself to be fired, he may not be able to avoid repeating the behavior at his next job which will just lead to the whole mess repeating. And in the rare cases where he didn't do anything wrong, being able to take a step back and see what it was about that company that caused the issue could prevent him from stepping into a similar situation later. By claiming that "It's all part of God's Plan", you give yourself the illusion that you don't have to do anything different.
This cop out of a response also means that Bob won't give himself nearly as much credit as he deserves if he turns things around for himself and actually gets a better job. If he has to quit drinking or at least learn to regulate himself better, or has to teach himself to be more self-disciplined about showing up to work on time whenever he is scheduled to do so, that is an accomplishment that Bob should take great pride in, but if he is one of the weak minded individuals that insists that "It's all part of God's Plan" then he will claim that it wasn't his choice- it was all God's doing. Did God brush your teeth for you too?
Why is it so hard to say, "Crap! I screwed up! How can I fix it?" or "I did it!" and actually accept responsibility and or credit for it? How can we expect the next generation to take responsibility for anything if we're blaming it all on "God's Plan"? No wonder there are so many kids getting pregnant and doing drugs and otherwise getting in trouble with the law- If nothing will happen unless God plans it, then it doesn't matter if you screw up, right?
This cop out also gets used to explain things that really aren't anyone's fault. Mental disorders like Autism jump to mind for me because of my own family's challenges, but this also applies to other issues like cancer, HIV/AIDS, or heart disease. Sure, there are some things that research has shown can help to prevent these things, but none of it is 100% effective and so sometimes no matter what you do something like this can happen. That doesn't mean that it's "God's Plan"- it just means that you played the game of LIFE and luck wasn't on your side. Maybe you had a genetic trait that made you more susceptible, or maybe there was a accident that you fell victim to, or maybe you DID do something stupid like sleep around or use illegal drugs in a less than safe manor/ environment. That doesn't mean that there is a plan. It just means that SHIT HAPPENS! I've been told that some people just need to believe that there is a reason- a meaning- for all the screwed up shit that can happen in life, but for me that concept raises more questions causes more confusion than anything. Human nature being what it is, if we think there is a "plan", especially one that involves us, we want to figure out what it is. So we turn to things like religion or the bible for answers, but because both of these were created by people who were either actually trying to understand something they didn't have the ability to understand yet, or who were just trying to control other people who understood less than they did, these types of resources for guidance are misleading and often times more confusing than helpful. Sure they have a few basic good ideas covered such as don't kill any body and don't take other people's stuff, but then if you move to a different chapter of the bible, or whatever guidebook you follow, they completely contradict themselves and give you directions on when and sometimes how to break those rules. "Don't kill anyone. oh, unless, of course, they don't believe the same thing you do, because then they don't count as people and you must kill them to prove God's love for His people." What?!? Ok, that's heavily paraphrased, but honestly many of them are about that bad. If you read through the bible for example, you have the basic 10 commandments: don't kill; don't steal; don't have sex outside of marriage; etc... and then they turn around and say oh, yeah, but if someone breaks these rules, it is your duty to form a mob and go throw stones at them until they die because they offended God. Then they change the rules again when they throw in Jesus who says "Follow all those old rules and guidelines, but don't stone anyone to death anymore because you aren't perfect." Wait, a minute, so when people break the rules you don't have to kill them anymore? but isn't that part of the old rules that you just said we have to keep following? How is this not contradictory? The most common answer I get when I ask Christians this is that since Jesus is God's son, he has the ability to change the rules. Ok, let's assume for the moment that I accept that Jesus is God's son. Generally speaking doesn't the father have to be dead or have at least relinquished power to the son before the son can change his rules?Does that mean that the old God died? or did he just retire? And furthermore, God is supposed to be infallible meaning that he doesn't make mistakes, so why would the changes need to be made anyway? Did he get them wrong the first time? or was it just that society was growing up and figuring out that killing people when they screw up wasn't preventing problems. Or maybe it was that the Roman government that was in charge now had a problem with people killing people without the government's permission... Has anyone ever considered that maybe Jesus was a Roman attempt to control vigilantes that just decided to rebel?
Just because a religion or "Holy" book covers a few good ideas doesn't mean that it's ALL good. About the only way that the "Old Testament" of the Bible actually makes sense is if you accept the idea that it is not "Word of God", but a collection of historical records, laws and fables from one ancient group of people. From a historical perspective that makes it very valuable for understanding that group and it's religion and customs, as well as some of the customs and beliefs of their descendants. HOWEVER, historical and cultural value does not equal infallible or even absolutely good. The fact that the books of the Old Testament that survive have been adopted by so many newer religions is little more than a testament to how that ancient culture has influenced and continues to influence the groups that have come after it. Many Christians today who claim to believe that the Bible is word of God and infallible are, at best, only vaguely familiar with what the Old Testament says, or, if they are actually aware of all the things it teaches, simply wave it away as if completely ignoring a large portion of what they claim is the "infallible word of God" doesn't make them the ultimate hypocrites. As an atheist who has not only read but actually studied the Bible in depth, I can tell you that not only does the Bible contain some passages of that make a lot of sense, the it is also overflowing with examples of common ancient practices that would simply be declared the most heinous of human rights violations today- many of them described in detail as performed by some very famous Biblical figures and justified in ways that today will get you thrown in prison.
One of my favorite examples of this comes from the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, the 2 biblical cities that were so evil that God gave up trying to save them and just bombed them from orbit, but not before he evacuated the one "righteous" man that lived there and his family. This "righteous" man took in a couple of strangers, who just happened to be angels. When his evil neighbors came beating on his door wanting to rape and possibly kill the strangers, he saved them. How? BY GIVING THE PERVERTS OUTSIDE HIS VIRGIN DAUGHTERS TO RAPE! How is this RIGHTEOUS? I'm sorry, but I don't care how holy my guests are sacrificing anybody's KIDS in order to afford an escape is not ok and this is one of the Bible's HEROES! Aside from casting doubt on the worthiness of the man who was saved, this story also illustrates the fact that women at that time were NOT CONSIDERED people in their own right. At best they were a treasured possession and at worst they were a commodity. This doesn't fly now thanks to Women's Rights movements and Child protection and human rights laws (at least in most of the world), but according to the Bible this is RIGHTEOUS behavior.
I've kind of gotten off the subject, but my point is that it's important to take responsibility for what we can control in our lives and just deal with the curves that we can't control instead of hiding behind the elusive concept of an unknowable plan from a mysterious God that no one can prove is even real. Our society, our world, is maturing at an ever increasing rate- never have so many questions had answers and never have the means to find more answers been so readily available. Continuing to rely on ancient superstition and blind faith in things that are not only inexplicable, but also illogical and unjustifiable and basically out dated is just stupid. By all means, hold on to the ideals that religion puts forth that make sense- Killing people is wrong, taking other people's stuff is wrong, betraying someone that you have made a legal commitment to such as a spouse is wrong, ect.... but don't try to take ideals that no longer make sense and justify their use with an imaginary friend.
What really bugs me about it is that people use these two words to get out of taking responsibility for things in their lives. I hear people say things like, "I don't know why I lost my job, but I'm sure it's part of God's plan for me." and it just makes me want to smack them upside the head.
First off, the majority of people that have something bad like that happen in their life, caused it themselves, either through their actions or through a lack of action Maybe Bob lost his job because he showed up to work drunk too many times, or maybe he simply called in "sick" more Monday mornings than company guidelines would allow. In some cases, it isn't Bob's fault so much as the upper management types mismanaging things, which is sad, but still not part of any greater "plan" for Bob and his family who must now find a new way to make ends meet.
Saying that such an event is "God's plan" is in my opinion irresponsible and self-defeating. If Bob can't recognize how he screwed up to cause himself to be fired, he may not be able to avoid repeating the behavior at his next job which will just lead to the whole mess repeating. And in the rare cases where he didn't do anything wrong, being able to take a step back and see what it was about that company that caused the issue could prevent him from stepping into a similar situation later. By claiming that "It's all part of God's Plan", you give yourself the illusion that you don't have to do anything different.
This cop out of a response also means that Bob won't give himself nearly as much credit as he deserves if he turns things around for himself and actually gets a better job. If he has to quit drinking or at least learn to regulate himself better, or has to teach himself to be more self-disciplined about showing up to work on time whenever he is scheduled to do so, that is an accomplishment that Bob should take great pride in, but if he is one of the weak minded individuals that insists that "It's all part of God's Plan" then he will claim that it wasn't his choice- it was all God's doing. Did God brush your teeth for you too?
Why is it so hard to say, "Crap! I screwed up! How can I fix it?" or "I did it!" and actually accept responsibility and or credit for it? How can we expect the next generation to take responsibility for anything if we're blaming it all on "God's Plan"? No wonder there are so many kids getting pregnant and doing drugs and otherwise getting in trouble with the law- If nothing will happen unless God plans it, then it doesn't matter if you screw up, right?
This cop out also gets used to explain things that really aren't anyone's fault. Mental disorders like Autism jump to mind for me because of my own family's challenges, but this also applies to other issues like cancer, HIV/AIDS, or heart disease. Sure, there are some things that research has shown can help to prevent these things, but none of it is 100% effective and so sometimes no matter what you do something like this can happen. That doesn't mean that it's "God's Plan"- it just means that you played the game of LIFE and luck wasn't on your side. Maybe you had a genetic trait that made you more susceptible, or maybe there was a accident that you fell victim to, or maybe you DID do something stupid like sleep around or use illegal drugs in a less than safe manor/ environment. That doesn't mean that there is a plan. It just means that SHIT HAPPENS! I've been told that some people just need to believe that there is a reason- a meaning- for all the screwed up shit that can happen in life, but for me that concept raises more questions causes more confusion than anything. Human nature being what it is, if we think there is a "plan", especially one that involves us, we want to figure out what it is. So we turn to things like religion or the bible for answers, but because both of these were created by people who were either actually trying to understand something they didn't have the ability to understand yet, or who were just trying to control other people who understood less than they did, these types of resources for guidance are misleading and often times more confusing than helpful. Sure they have a few basic good ideas covered such as don't kill any body and don't take other people's stuff, but then if you move to a different chapter of the bible, or whatever guidebook you follow, they completely contradict themselves and give you directions on when and sometimes how to break those rules. "Don't kill anyone. oh, unless, of course, they don't believe the same thing you do, because then they don't count as people and you must kill them to prove God's love for His people." What?!? Ok, that's heavily paraphrased, but honestly many of them are about that bad. If you read through the bible for example, you have the basic 10 commandments: don't kill; don't steal; don't have sex outside of marriage; etc... and then they turn around and say oh, yeah, but if someone breaks these rules, it is your duty to form a mob and go throw stones at them until they die because they offended God. Then they change the rules again when they throw in Jesus who says "Follow all those old rules and guidelines, but don't stone anyone to death anymore because you aren't perfect." Wait, a minute, so when people break the rules you don't have to kill them anymore? but isn't that part of the old rules that you just said we have to keep following? How is this not contradictory? The most common answer I get when I ask Christians this is that since Jesus is God's son, he has the ability to change the rules. Ok, let's assume for the moment that I accept that Jesus is God's son. Generally speaking doesn't the father have to be dead or have at least relinquished power to the son before the son can change his rules?Does that mean that the old God died? or did he just retire? And furthermore, God is supposed to be infallible meaning that he doesn't make mistakes, so why would the changes need to be made anyway? Did he get them wrong the first time? or was it just that society was growing up and figuring out that killing people when they screw up wasn't preventing problems. Or maybe it was that the Roman government that was in charge now had a problem with people killing people without the government's permission... Has anyone ever considered that maybe Jesus was a Roman attempt to control vigilantes that just decided to rebel?
Just because a religion or "Holy" book covers a few good ideas doesn't mean that it's ALL good. About the only way that the "Old Testament" of the Bible actually makes sense is if you accept the idea that it is not "Word of God", but a collection of historical records, laws and fables from one ancient group of people. From a historical perspective that makes it very valuable for understanding that group and it's religion and customs, as well as some of the customs and beliefs of their descendants. HOWEVER, historical and cultural value does not equal infallible or even absolutely good. The fact that the books of the Old Testament that survive have been adopted by so many newer religions is little more than a testament to how that ancient culture has influenced and continues to influence the groups that have come after it. Many Christians today who claim to believe that the Bible is word of God and infallible are, at best, only vaguely familiar with what the Old Testament says, or, if they are actually aware of all the things it teaches, simply wave it away as if completely ignoring a large portion of what they claim is the "infallible word of God" doesn't make them the ultimate hypocrites. As an atheist who has not only read but actually studied the Bible in depth, I can tell you that not only does the Bible contain some passages of that make a lot of sense, the it is also overflowing with examples of common ancient practices that would simply be declared the most heinous of human rights violations today- many of them described in detail as performed by some very famous Biblical figures and justified in ways that today will get you thrown in prison.
One of my favorite examples of this comes from the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, the 2 biblical cities that were so evil that God gave up trying to save them and just bombed them from orbit, but not before he evacuated the one "righteous" man that lived there and his family. This "righteous" man took in a couple of strangers, who just happened to be angels. When his evil neighbors came beating on his door wanting to rape and possibly kill the strangers, he saved them. How? BY GIVING THE PERVERTS OUTSIDE HIS VIRGIN DAUGHTERS TO RAPE! How is this RIGHTEOUS? I'm sorry, but I don't care how holy my guests are sacrificing anybody's KIDS in order to afford an escape is not ok and this is one of the Bible's HEROES! Aside from casting doubt on the worthiness of the man who was saved, this story also illustrates the fact that women at that time were NOT CONSIDERED people in their own right. At best they were a treasured possession and at worst they were a commodity. This doesn't fly now thanks to Women's Rights movements and Child protection and human rights laws (at least in most of the world), but according to the Bible this is RIGHTEOUS behavior.
I've kind of gotten off the subject, but my point is that it's important to take responsibility for what we can control in our lives and just deal with the curves that we can't control instead of hiding behind the elusive concept of an unknowable plan from a mysterious God that no one can prove is even real. Our society, our world, is maturing at an ever increasing rate- never have so many questions had answers and never have the means to find more answers been so readily available. Continuing to rely on ancient superstition and blind faith in things that are not only inexplicable, but also illogical and unjustifiable and basically out dated is just stupid. By all means, hold on to the ideals that religion puts forth that make sense- Killing people is wrong, taking other people's stuff is wrong, betraying someone that you have made a legal commitment to such as a spouse is wrong, ect.... but don't try to take ideals that no longer make sense and justify their use with an imaginary friend.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Talking to Kids Basics
I don't see how this is a hard concept, but apparently it is. Everyday I see new posts where parents are upset because their kids are doing something crazy (or in some cases the parent is just worried they might) and they're wanting someone to tell them how to fix the problem.
First off, for some of you parents of teens, it may be too late for my advice because talking to your kids is not something that you can just start out of the blue. It can take years to develop the type of trust between you and your child that it takes to make talking to them effective, but without that trust, you can talk until you are blue in the face and the kid will just stare at you blankly as your words go in one ear and out the other. In order to build this trust effectively you have to start early- the earlier the better.
I often see the question "when did you start talking to your child about ____________." and this is a marker for exactly the wrong mind set. If they are old enough that you are wondering when you should start talking to them about something, you probably should have started talking to them about it at least 6 months ago. For example, I saw one the other day asking for advice on when to start talking to their pre-teen about drugs. Ladies, I have news for you : I started talking to my kids about drugs/ alcohol/ and cigarettes when my oldest was a 1st grader, and now that she is 15, we still have regular family discussions about these subjects and many others, because talking to your kids is not a one time shot- it has to be continuous discussion.
Which brings me to another point- it has to be a discussion, not a lecture. If it's one sided, the chances of it having any impact at all is questionable at best. Ask them some questions and LISTEN to their answers. Find out if they have already talked to friends or teachers or somebody else about it and if they already have opinions about the subject. You may be surprised by how much they already know or think they know and this gives you the opportunity to build on their existing base of knowledge rather than blindly repeat or refuting things they have already accepted as fact, which just makes you look stupid in their eyes. Using their "knowledge" as a spring board to launch your discussion gets them involved and increases the chances that you will actually be heard. And if they claim no knowledge, use media images to start with. Media in this case can include anything that is relevant to your child such as magazines, TV shows, movies or newspapers. For example, I once launched a discussion with my kids about marijuana by reading to them a short article that I found on-line that was talking about fan speculation that Shaggy and Scooby from the show Scooby Doo were potheads. My kids were and still are Scooby Doo fans, so this made the subject very relevant to them.
The next piece, of course, is timing. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A MAGIC TIME TO BROACH A SUBJECT WITH YOUR KIDS. If you are busy looking for that perfect time to talk to them about something, they will get the information somewhere else and your chances of reaching them will disappear. You have to seize the chance to talk them ANYTIME that the opportunity comes up. If you are watching a movie with them and one of the characters starts drinking or smoking, use it! If you find something on-line that you think they may recognize (like I did with the Scooby Doo thing), use it! If you see something in the newspaper that talks about it, use it! And for God's sake, if they ask you a question, USE IT! You don't need a single perfect moment- several random discussions are more effective than a one specially timed and planned one.
First off, for some of you parents of teens, it may be too late for my advice because talking to your kids is not something that you can just start out of the blue. It can take years to develop the type of trust between you and your child that it takes to make talking to them effective, but without that trust, you can talk until you are blue in the face and the kid will just stare at you blankly as your words go in one ear and out the other. In order to build this trust effectively you have to start early- the earlier the better.
I often see the question "when did you start talking to your child about ____________." and this is a marker for exactly the wrong mind set. If they are old enough that you are wondering when you should start talking to them about something, you probably should have started talking to them about it at least 6 months ago. For example, I saw one the other day asking for advice on when to start talking to their pre-teen about drugs. Ladies, I have news for you : I started talking to my kids about drugs/ alcohol/ and cigarettes when my oldest was a 1st grader, and now that she is 15, we still have regular family discussions about these subjects and many others, because talking to your kids is not a one time shot- it has to be continuous discussion.
Which brings me to another point- it has to be a discussion, not a lecture. If it's one sided, the chances of it having any impact at all is questionable at best. Ask them some questions and LISTEN to their answers. Find out if they have already talked to friends or teachers or somebody else about it and if they already have opinions about the subject. You may be surprised by how much they already know or think they know and this gives you the opportunity to build on their existing base of knowledge rather than blindly repeat or refuting things they have already accepted as fact, which just makes you look stupid in their eyes. Using their "knowledge" as a spring board to launch your discussion gets them involved and increases the chances that you will actually be heard. And if they claim no knowledge, use media images to start with. Media in this case can include anything that is relevant to your child such as magazines, TV shows, movies or newspapers. For example, I once launched a discussion with my kids about marijuana by reading to them a short article that I found on-line that was talking about fan speculation that Shaggy and Scooby from the show Scooby Doo were potheads. My kids were and still are Scooby Doo fans, so this made the subject very relevant to them.
The next piece, of course, is timing. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A MAGIC TIME TO BROACH A SUBJECT WITH YOUR KIDS. If you are busy looking for that perfect time to talk to them about something, they will get the information somewhere else and your chances of reaching them will disappear. You have to seize the chance to talk them ANYTIME that the opportunity comes up. If you are watching a movie with them and one of the characters starts drinking or smoking, use it! If you find something on-line that you think they may recognize (like I did with the Scooby Doo thing), use it! If you see something in the newspaper that talks about it, use it! And for God's sake, if they ask you a question, USE IT! You don't need a single perfect moment- several random discussions are more effective than a one specially timed and planned one.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Top 3 reasons that I am Proud to be American
In honor of today's celebration of our country's freedom, I thought I might take a few minutes to write about some of the things that I love about the USA.
Top of my list is freedom of speech. I love the fact that I can pretty much say or write anything I want without the government being able to stop me and that other people can too. Sure that means that there are going to be people saying some pretty dumb-ass things and pissing people off, but sometimes being able to get people upset is the only way to get them motivated to help change anything. As Jim Henson once said, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
Without the ability to speak out against whatever we want, the government which is supposed to be working for us could easily turn the tables and enslave us. Luckily our country's founders were well aware of this danger which is why they insisted on making this part of our nations Bill of Rights. In fact this inspires me to add to each of these some commentary about how some people are trying to take these rights away. Starting with FCC's censorship of TV and radio which I think is completely unconstitutional. I'm not saying do away with the FCC- they do have a job to do that makes sense and is completely necessary for civilized use of the airwaves, but I have a real problem with how that job has been warped into an excuse to stifle free speech. Really parents, if you are concerned about your kids watching something that you deem inappropriate for them, there are means to regulate that yourself- don't insist on the government doing it for you.
Number 2 on my list is the right to own a gun. There are a lot of people in our country today that seem to think that this is a right that has out lived it's usefulness, but I couldn't disagree more. In fact I would love to see most gun control laws struck from the law books as unconstitutional because of this fundamental right. In place of such laws, I would much rather see our country make firearm safety a required course in our education system. It is a fact that lots of people die at the wrong end of a gun every year in this country, but if you look a little deeper, it is also a fact that an awful lot of the people holding the guns when they kill simply don't know how to use the damn thing because no one bothered to teach them. It is also a fact that since the implementation of gun laws preventing open carry and regulating firearm acquisition, firearm deaths have actually increased, not decreased- another fine example of our country shooting itself in the foot (pun definitely intend).
Next on my list is the right to join or abstain from joining the military. Military service is among the most noble things that a citizen of this country can do, but the fact that every one of our soldiers, officers, etc. are there voluntarily is one of our country's greatest strengths. There are lots of people who talk about numbers like the size of China's standing army like somehow bigger automatically equals better, but I would bet on our military against any other nation in the world- firstly because of the extensive and complete training that they receive, but also because when it comes down to it, I don't see how any soldier could possibly trust their life to a fellow soldier who is only their because their government says they HAVE to be. The sheer number of people in those armies that will not give their all because they really don't want to be there should be frightening to their countries, but the fact seems to be that their leaders don't care as long as their numbers are as awesome as possible.
There are some in our country that would argue that you simply can't appreciate freedom if you don't serve, and that seem to think that forcing all young adults to serve would help everyone. Well they are welcome to their opinion, but I am glad that less hypocritical people are in charge. However, I have been disappointed that many of these same people that would wisely refuse to force citizens into service would also choose to stop willing participants from serving based on such a trivial thing as sexual orientation. Who cares what gender they are attracted to? Isn't their right to choose to have a relationship with either gender one of the things that we are trying to protect? I believe that it is commendable that anyone who has the option chooses to protect the rights of not only themselves but also of others and I am boggled by the notion that anyone would say, "Hell, no, you can't defend me! You don't like the same type of relationship I do!" That makes about as much sense as someone not being allowed to work in a sandwich shop because they own a dog.
Top of my list is freedom of speech. I love the fact that I can pretty much say or write anything I want without the government being able to stop me and that other people can too. Sure that means that there are going to be people saying some pretty dumb-ass things and pissing people off, but sometimes being able to get people upset is the only way to get them motivated to help change anything. As Jim Henson once said, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
Without the ability to speak out against whatever we want, the government which is supposed to be working for us could easily turn the tables and enslave us. Luckily our country's founders were well aware of this danger which is why they insisted on making this part of our nations Bill of Rights. In fact this inspires me to add to each of these some commentary about how some people are trying to take these rights away. Starting with FCC's censorship of TV and radio which I think is completely unconstitutional. I'm not saying do away with the FCC- they do have a job to do that makes sense and is completely necessary for civilized use of the airwaves, but I have a real problem with how that job has been warped into an excuse to stifle free speech. Really parents, if you are concerned about your kids watching something that you deem inappropriate for them, there are means to regulate that yourself- don't insist on the government doing it for you.
Number 2 on my list is the right to own a gun. There are a lot of people in our country today that seem to think that this is a right that has out lived it's usefulness, but I couldn't disagree more. In fact I would love to see most gun control laws struck from the law books as unconstitutional because of this fundamental right. In place of such laws, I would much rather see our country make firearm safety a required course in our education system. It is a fact that lots of people die at the wrong end of a gun every year in this country, but if you look a little deeper, it is also a fact that an awful lot of the people holding the guns when they kill simply don't know how to use the damn thing because no one bothered to teach them. It is also a fact that since the implementation of gun laws preventing open carry and regulating firearm acquisition, firearm deaths have actually increased, not decreased- another fine example of our country shooting itself in the foot (pun definitely intend).
Next on my list is the right to join or abstain from joining the military. Military service is among the most noble things that a citizen of this country can do, but the fact that every one of our soldiers, officers, etc. are there voluntarily is one of our country's greatest strengths. There are lots of people who talk about numbers like the size of China's standing army like somehow bigger automatically equals better, but I would bet on our military against any other nation in the world- firstly because of the extensive and complete training that they receive, but also because when it comes down to it, I don't see how any soldier could possibly trust their life to a fellow soldier who is only their because their government says they HAVE to be. The sheer number of people in those armies that will not give their all because they really don't want to be there should be frightening to their countries, but the fact seems to be that their leaders don't care as long as their numbers are as awesome as possible.
There are some in our country that would argue that you simply can't appreciate freedom if you don't serve, and that seem to think that forcing all young adults to serve would help everyone. Well they are welcome to their opinion, but I am glad that less hypocritical people are in charge. However, I have been disappointed that many of these same people that would wisely refuse to force citizens into service would also choose to stop willing participants from serving based on such a trivial thing as sexual orientation. Who cares what gender they are attracted to? Isn't their right to choose to have a relationship with either gender one of the things that we are trying to protect? I believe that it is commendable that anyone who has the option chooses to protect the rights of not only themselves but also of others and I am boggled by the notion that anyone would say, "Hell, no, you can't defend me! You don't like the same type of relationship I do!" That makes about as much sense as someone not being allowed to work in a sandwich shop because they own a dog.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Wait- What?! I think Feminism has gone too far!
Ok, so I'm talking to my husband last night and he tells me about this article that he read on Reddit about some guy who was married and he and his wife divorced on good terms, but Twenty-Seven Years later she went to a divorce lawyer and refiled their divorce without notifying him and was awarded not only a huge alimony, but also Child Support for 2 kids that she had years later with a second husband. WTF?!?
My initial reaction was complete disbelief, but my husband insisted it was true, so this morning, I went to Reddit myself and tried to find the article myself. I wasn't able to find it, but in the course of my search, I found plenty of examples of other related abuses of the family court laws.
I am not against women's rights, obviously, but I had not been aware of just how far the feminist movement had pushed things like this. Maybe that means I've been sheltered and oblivious, but I think it's about time that some of the rest of us start speaking up. I appreciate the fact that without the feminist movement we women would be second class citizens with very few if any rights, but hey, there's limits! How did we ever allow it to get so far that men are being forced to pay child support for kids that DNA proves are not theirs? Or that women can seize most of their ex's income when it increases because of his hard work years after she divorces him?
I understand that there are some real creep guys out there that have taken some truly underhanded liberties against women, but how does that justify punishing the ones who aren't doing anything wrong? There are a lot of Men's rights groups that are completely outraged by this kind of thing and I can't say that I blame them, but many of them are talking about starting initiatives to revoke women's rights and repealing laws. Seems to me that there is a full fledged war of the sexes brewing and no matter which way the battle goes things are going to get ugly unless some of us can stop the extremes of both sides from making things worse.
I think we need to start a new movement that looks for equal rights for everyone. I think some serious work needs to be done overhauling all these legal systems that are causing so much anger on both sides and I think it needs to happen soon, or everyone is going to suffer.
My initial reaction was complete disbelief, but my husband insisted it was true, so this morning, I went to Reddit myself and tried to find the article myself. I wasn't able to find it, but in the course of my search, I found plenty of examples of other related abuses of the family court laws.
I am not against women's rights, obviously, but I had not been aware of just how far the feminist movement had pushed things like this. Maybe that means I've been sheltered and oblivious, but I think it's about time that some of the rest of us start speaking up. I appreciate the fact that without the feminist movement we women would be second class citizens with very few if any rights, but hey, there's limits! How did we ever allow it to get so far that men are being forced to pay child support for kids that DNA proves are not theirs? Or that women can seize most of their ex's income when it increases because of his hard work years after she divorces him?
I understand that there are some real creep guys out there that have taken some truly underhanded liberties against women, but how does that justify punishing the ones who aren't doing anything wrong? There are a lot of Men's rights groups that are completely outraged by this kind of thing and I can't say that I blame them, but many of them are talking about starting initiatives to revoke women's rights and repealing laws. Seems to me that there is a full fledged war of the sexes brewing and no matter which way the battle goes things are going to get ugly unless some of us can stop the extremes of both sides from making things worse.
I think we need to start a new movement that looks for equal rights for everyone. I think some serious work needs to be done overhauling all these legal systems that are causing so much anger on both sides and I think it needs to happen soon, or everyone is going to suffer.
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