Parenting

Having kids is a real trip- I love my kids and I think that I've generally done pretty well with them, but other parents continually baffle me. They won't give their kids straight answers and then expect the kid to not only not ask anyone else but also to trust what they say over anyone else. And God forbid that their kid asks you and you have the gall to answer them honestly. Do other parents really think that they are protecting their kids by avoiding talking to them about sex and drugs and other less than savory subjects until they are "old enough" and someone else has already answered their questions? I find the concept utterly flawed. 

My kids and I have had an ongoing discussion going about sex and drugs from the time that they were just old enough to ask what a cigarette was and why people smoke them. By the time that my kids were old enough for the schools to be thinking about teaching them sex ed, my kids were not only more well informed on the subject than most of their classmates, but their teachers were using them as back up on topics not covered by the textbooks, because they already had the correct information. Meanwhile, other kids are getting pregnant and ruining their lives with drugs because their parents won't tell them anything and the schools are waiting too long because the parents don't want them to bring it up and so the kids are asking other kids and getting bad advice. Other parents accuse me of pushing my kids to grow up too quick, or pushing them toward things they "aren't ready for," but I would argue that my kids speak for themselves. I have 2 in technical college programs (Computer Aided Manufacturing and Culinary) and 2 still in High School. All getting good grades, no drug or alcohol issues, no pregnancies or STDs or anything like that, and I have generally good relationships with all of them. My kids are the type that teachers generally love- they listen, they learn quickly and they are always doing research on stuff. You can bring up topics with them that most other kids have no clue on and my kids probably not only know what you are talking about but probably know stuff about it you don't.  Example: My 14 year old, Scott, was having a discussion with his teacher about behavioral psychology (started by a classroom discussion of the play Oedipus). It was the last class of the day, so Scott stuck around to continue talking with his teacher while the other kids slowly wandered off. Scott and his English teacher have a lot of great discussions and the other kids from the class will often stick around to listen because they always learn something when Scott starts talking. They began talking about the Oedipus syndrome and various ways that that tendency shows up in most people, such as girls tending to search for guys that have similar character traits to their dads, or boys wanting a girl who shares a talent with their mom, etc. and moved into a debate on the merits of Freud's work and after a few great points about how many of Freud's theories having a grain of merit that was often just taken to an unreasonable extreme, Scott's teacher commented that he seemed to be very knowledgeable about behavioral psychology and asked if that was what he planned to pursue after high school, to which Scott replied, "No, I'm going into Biochemistry. This was just something that I was reading about for fun." **Note this story was originally told to me by one of the other kids in the room and then later repeated to me again by the teacher during a conference.**  

All in all I think that I have done pretty well with my kids, so why is it that other parents don't seem to like them and routinely tell their kids that my kids are a bad influence? How? My kids are never in trouble, they're well behaved, outgoing, helpful, generally polite, and always willing to help their friends learn something new. Their friends love coming to our house and we've had more than a few of them want to move in. Why? Is it because we let them do whatever they want? Hell, NO! We have a very simple set of rules. Everyone in the house has a set of chores that they are expected to do and kids under 18 have a curfew and if the older ones are not coming home for the night they have to let us know before 9pm. Other than that our only rule is "Don't be that guy." I tell people that and they tend to look at me like I'm crazy, but it works. 

And who is "that guy"? We all know that guy. He's the one that pisses off everyone by playing pranks that no one else thinks is funny. He's the one that thinks that it's ok to not do the things they're supposed to because someone else will pick up the slack. He's the one that takes your stuff out of your room, wallet, purse, house, whatever, without asking and might return it in a couple of months if it is still mostly usable. He's the one that has no idea when it's ok to be loud and joke around and when it's better to be quiet. He's the one that bullies people into doing things their way all the time instead of letting other people have a turn leading once in a while. He's the one that never cares how anything he does affects anyone else. Hopefully you get the point. 

Early on, we just got in the habit of stopping the kids and pointing out something that someone was doing that we thought fell into the "that guy" category and just saying, "Look! it's that guy again." or if they were doing it, "Would you like it if that was done to you? No? Then don't be that guy to anyone else."  If they asked what was wrong with something, we told them. "It's rude and hurts people's feelings." Or "he almost ran into those people and that would have really hurt." or "he's hurting himself and the people who are around him." or "it's not his." As the kids got older the explanations were asked for less and often could be a lot more technical, but the point is that their questions got answered, even it was "I'm not sure, but let's look it up." 

One of Scott's best friends' parents moved their family to the next town over and out right told their kid that now that they were in this new place Scott was not welcome. They are allowed contact with all their other friends, but not Scott. Why? Where is the logic. Scott helped this kid pass History last year and has tutored him in grammar. How is he a bad influence? Answer: He has too much freedom. They think that the fact that I was letting Scott ride the public bus on his own at age 10 was too soon. They think the fact that my kids know how to cook is dangerous. They think that the fact that my kid knew more about the research on the actual effects of extended use of assorted narcotics than they do means that we are encouraging them to use drugs. In short, they think they are protecting their kid, who is 2 years older than Scott and in total rebellion over all of this.  

Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I am frustrated and baffled.  

The US Immigration Controversy

There's been a lot of press about this lately and it's got me going again. First off I do agree that many of the new laws that many states are trying to enact go over the top, but on the other hand I have to say that I can't really support the groups opposing the laws either because many of them seem to have lost track of the fact that many of the people that they are attempting to protect are here illegally. I may not agree with the current laws that govern the immigration of people from other countries to the US, but that doesn't mean that it's okay to ignore them and come in illegally. I also sympathize with the thousands of adult illegals who were brought here illegally by their parents before they could object and who don't remember living anywhere else, but it is not the law that has done them wrong- it is the parents who brought them into this legal predicament in the first place.

I think that in light of the numbers that we are talking about, there does need to be a reevaluation of the way that these cases are handled, but I bristle against the implication that everyone who has grown up here is automatically entitled to all the benefits of citizenship, even if their very presence is illegal.  US citizens have jumped through the hoops and paid their dues. They and their families should be entitled to the benefits of being a citizen (eg. public education for their kids, decent living conditions and infasctructure, resident pricing for college), and they should not have to take a back seat to people who decided that coming into the country legally was too much trouble and so they were going to sneak in and demand all those benefits anyway.

I would like to see a program put in place that would allow many of the currently illegal residents of our country to acquire citizenship in a timely manner and that would allow for a more reasonable process for people still wanting to come in, but I think that should be accompanied with stiffer regulations to punish those who still refuse to legitimize their residence here. I agree however that the current stance of stiffer regulations with no alternative is wrong, if only because it does effect so many who were drug into this situation before they were old enough to object.

Creationism in Biology class?!? Really?

Ok, so here's the deal... I was talking to this friend of mine who has 3 kids the same age as 2 of mine (a set of girl/boy twins the same age as my oldest daughter and a daughter the same age as my oldest son) All 5 of them are in high school this year, but at separate schools, and we were catching up and comparing notes having a completely normal conversation when all of the sudden she launches into this little rant about how she is going to go to the school and insist that her kids be allowed to leave the classroom when their biology classes cover evolution because the school refuses to teach creationism as a competing theory.

I had to almost physically restrain myself from responding to her.  I really like this lady and there is a lot that I really admire about her, but when it comes to this subject I just can not agree with her, but in the interest of preserving our friendship, I held my tongue and did the whole smile and nod routine. After all, whether I agree or not I am a firm believer in the idea that if she wants to believe in that type of religious claptrap... well that is her business, but when she suggested that Creationism SHOULD be taught in our schools I almost lost it.  I wanted to scream at her! CREATIONISM IS NOT A SCIENTIFIC THEORY! AT BEST, FROM A SCIENTIFIC STANDPOINT,  IT QUALIFIES AS AN UNTESTED HYPOTHESIS (AND I'M NOT SURE BUT IT MAY NOT EVEN QUALIFY FOR THAT AS HYPOTHESES USUALLY HAVE TO BE BASED ON OBSERVATION AND CREATIONISM REALLY HAS NOTHING EXCEPT THE HEARSAY FOUND IN THE BIBLE!

In fact, I have to wonder how many people who claim to believe that Creationism is true are even aware that prior to the creation of the King James version of the Bible, there were actually multiple versions of the creation story in Christian lore. Most of those versions can still be found from other sources, though a few have been lost to ages due to the Church at the time of King James hunting down and destroying as many copies as they could get their hands on. Furthermore, the biblical book of Genesis, like most other early biblical texts, was not written down at all until the time of Moses, which means that it's most likely not even close to the original version to begin with since we all know how well facts are preserved when spread by word of mouth alone- anyone ever play "telephone" as a kid? Each generation that told that story prior to it being written down would have changed the story a little bit- maybe not intentionally, but it would have happened- and we are talking about a lot of generations here. Not to mention that each time it got translated into another language it would change a little bit more and it went through at least 2 translations before it landed in the King James Bible (Hebrew to Latin and Latin to English).

So near as I can tell, the closest thing that the Creationists have to real proof of their claims is another hypothesis- the idea of intelligent design, which basically says that the fact that all things in the universe follow set rules like gravity implies that there must be a God.... that at least has some observable basis, but it's pretty weak, because while there are indeed a large number of rules that the universe follows, there is also a lot of chance and a lot of random crap that argues against the idea. Honestly I think that I would be more apt to believe in God if those rules of nature didn't exist because then there would be no other explanation for why anything worked.

If any of you have gotten this far (and I would be surprised if you did, all of you folks out there that believe in the idea of creationism), I would urge you to consider this thought: You can not permanently protect your children from learning about theories like evolution (and if they intend to progress in scientific studies in college, they won't have the option of opting out and still getting credit there) but do you really want the scientists that view your "theory" as little more than popular tripe to be the ones teaching your kids about the creationist ideas? It is my opinion that if you believe in creationism as strongly as you seem to think that you do, the better idea would be to ask for an elective class that would have a teacher that believes in it teaching these ideas, but don't be surprised if not even the religious based colleges consider the elective an acceptable alternative to sciences like modern biology.

Am I Doing Something Wrong?

When I was a kid and I used to get in trouble and complain about my punishments, like any kid is apt to do, my mother would tell me that she was sorry, but if all of her children where happy with her at once then she wouldn't be doing her job right.

Fast forward to today...

I have 4 kids, one less than my mother, and I'm not going to waste my breath claiming that they are never in trouble, but some days reading through the daily posts on CafeMom, especially the Moms of Teens group, I get the impression that MY kids don't get in trouble enough and when they do it's never as serious as many of the posts that I see. But what really gets my worried is that my kids all seem so... HAPPY. I even had one of them tell me that their friends have asked her if we would be will to adopt them if something were to happen to their parents. Does this mean I am obliviously over-looking stuff that they should be in trouble for? Or have my husband and I actually found a way to keep them happy AND well- behaved? I mean they are all doing well in school, none of them have gotten in trouble with the law, neither of my girls is pregnant, neither of my boys has a pregnant girlfriend, we haven't had any major arguments around here in months, everyone does their chores with minimal nagging required and somehow our kids still seem to enjoy spending time with me and hubby, even our almost 16 yr old (Are't they supposed to start hating us once they hit puberty?).  As much as I would love to just take credit for being THAT AWESOME, there's a nagging voice in my head that keeps recalling what my mom used to say about how she wasn't doing her job if we were all happy and I worry that somehow I'm missing something... 

Mommy's Me Time

I'm sure a lot of moms can relate to this- sometimes I get so busy with my kids' projects and activities and appointments and whatnot that I just don't seem to be able to find time for me. This is one of those issues that I have been making a conscious effort to change for myself. Being a parent, whether you work outside the home or not, is a busy, challenging and often thankless job and there is no shame in just saying "TIME OUT! I need a break!" The tricky part is that because kids aren't nearly as understanding about this as they expect us to be, we have to really work on just planning in time for this into our days.

For me that means that when I walk my youngest out to his bus in the morning, I make a point of taking a walk around the block on my own before I go home to make sure my cyber-schoolers are up and eating breakfast so they can start their schoolwork. And when their dad gets home he gets to spend an hour with the kids so that I can take a shower or read or play on the computer for a while after spending all day with them. And then he gets his cool down time too, because being Daddy is hard work, too!

A lot of time it seems like people forget just how important it is to take some time for yourself, especially if you have one or more kid(s) with special needs, who typically need exceptional levels of supervision and assistance. I have some friends who seem to think that "me time" has to be treating yourself to something exceptional, e.g. getting your hair or nails done or getting a massage or going shopping, but that kind of mind-set seems like it causes more stress than anything else because it gets so damn pricey! I have a dear friend that drives me crazy with that mind-set. She works like 60hrs a week, barely gets to spend any time with her kids, never seems to have money for anything, but insists on constantly getting her nails done or buying herself another pair of shoes that she doesn't need and that costs way too much for what she got, all of which goes on her credit card and all in the name of treating herself and having me-time. Why?!? What is the point of reducing your stress in ways that cause you more stress when the credit card bill comes? "Me time" doesn't have to cost money, people.  It can be as simple as going for a walk or taking a shower uninterrupted so long as you do it on your own and enjoy it!

Please Think Of The Children- Learning By Doing

This is a subject that has been a thorn in my paw for a long time. Every where you look there are examples of institutions, especially schools, trying to accommodate individuals that are screaming "PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!" Unfortunately, this is usually manifesting in more and more examples of ways that kids are being prevented from being kids. Schools today have ridiculous rules preventing kids from doing totally normal things like running on the play ground or jumping off of swings, or, my personal favorite, the increasingly popular "Hands off" policies that even punish kids for helping other kids up when they fall down.

I totally understand the schools' positions. They have limited operational funds already. They can't afford to have those funds cut because they are defending themselves against law suits from angry parents whose kids are injured on school grounds. So I want to say outright that I do not want to criticize the schools who are only trying to protect themselves as well as they can.

My anger is directed at the people that make these policies necessary. It is not the school's responsibility to wrap your kids in bubble wrap and protect them from every possible bump and scrape. Kids do dumb things and sometimes it gets them hurt, but it is an essential part of the learning process to have the freedom to try some of those things.

Learning to make good decisions requires that you have the freedom to make bad ones. Maybe it's just me, but it makes far more sense to me to let them do that when they are kids and the choices that they make have more controllable consequences. Let them run on the playground- if they run into something and get hurt, maybe they will learn to watch where they are going.

And another thing, let them fight back when someone hurts them- there isn't always going to be a teacher/parent/adult to protect them- sooner or later they have to learn how to fight for themselves. I have just about had it up to here with the stupid rules that punish kids who are being bullied and decide to fight back just as much as the kids doing the bullying. I know a kid who was constantly being bullied before his mom decided to home-school him and the final straw in her decision was when her son was jumped by a group of 4 older kids as he was coming out of the gym. The older kids jumping him was bad enough, but what really pissed her off was that because during the ensuing struggle her son threw one of the other boys off his back and into a wall, her son was suspended for just as long as the other kids. Since when was self-defense not ok?  I'm sorry for all you parents of bullies out there who don't want your kid to get hurt, but if your 13 yr old hits my 11 yr old, I would applaud my kid for turning around and returning the favor.   In my opinion, any person that thinks that it would be better for that same 11yr old to curl up and take the beating needs to be brought up on child abuse charges.

The Importance of Routine

Since I did a piece on Scheduling, I thought I should also do something about routines which are closely related, but, in my opinion, are actually more important. Routines are one of those things that most people have but just don't think about. Sometimes their complicated, but most of the time they are simple. What's important though is the sense of security that they afford us. That sense of security is especially important to anyone who has limited control over their lives. This need for consistency and routine just gets more intense as the sense of control decreases. That's why when as adults we feel like the world is against us and we don't see any way that we can change that, we tend to fall back to old habits-  the habits are comfortable and familiar and give us a sense of consistency that is lacking in other areas of our lives at that point.  Habits can be good or bad, but, either way, they are established the same way- through routines that you repeat over and over again until they become automatic.

As parents routines are one of the most potent tools in our arsenals. They help us teach kids manners like saying please and thank you and healthy habits like brushing teeth and even things that seem instinctual like functional play with toys, but we often forget how helpful they can be in helping our kids cope with changes, prepare for a difficult task, or just relax and calm down when they are upset. And routines get even more important with a special needs child with physical limitations or developmental delays as their inability to participate in the same activities as siblings or peers can make them feel completely helpless.

I have, of course, used routines with my kids for as long as I can remember, but I was never as acutely aware of how helpful they could be until my youngest, who is diagnosed with severe Autism, sensory dysfunction and a seizure disorder, came along, mostly because he required so much more involved routines. T's need for structure and consistency is easily twice or more as intense as my other 3 kids. Breaking one of his routines can ruin his whole day, or in some cases his whole week. Just for example, every morning when he gets up, T likes to spend 15 min or so cuddling with me on the couch- it is a very simple but important part of his morning routine.

One morning about a year and a half ago, we had a brief power outage in the middle of the night and so, of course, when I awoke needing to use the bathroom the next morning, I went into instant panic mode when I glanced at my watch and realized that T's bus would be there to pick him up in 10 minutes!

I quickly threw some clothes on myself, asked one of the older kids to go warm up a hot pocket for T's breakfast and began rushing T through his routine-  go to the bathroom,  get dressed, brush hair and teeth, wash face- then I glanced at my watch again. 1 min left until we were supposed to be at the bus stop. I headed for the kitchen to grab the hot pocket that his sister had indeed prepared and turned hand it to T, but he had not come to the kitchen with me. He was sitting on the couch waiting for me. I grabbed his hand and said "Come on, son. Time to go."

T has a severe communication delay and barely speaks, but he immediately understood that I had no intention of sitting on the couch with him and you could see the panic on his little face. He grabbed my wrist with his free hand and pulled me toward the cushion next to him "'Mon!" ('C'mon), he said.
"No, it's time for your bus."
"NO!!!!!" Instant tears. He tried again to pull me to the couch as I reached my other hand down to gently pull his body toward the front door. I got him off the couch and he collapsed at my feet. He wrenched his hand out of mine, grabbed his ears and began to rock back and forth, now screaming in addition to the tears which were absolutely streaming down his face.

That melt down took hours to get under control, and although I did get him calmed down and taken to school, his whole day was completely unproductive- so much so that I got a phone call from his teacher (who never calls unless there is a REAL problem) asking if T had had a bad night or something.

Eventually, T will have to outgrow the need for that piece of his routine, but for now it remains an important piece of his morning.

While this example, may seem extreme, look at your own routine. How many of you read the newspaper in the morning? Have you ever tried skipping that and then spent the day thinking that you had forgotten something, but couldn't remember what it was?

Or maybe you had a loved one that lived with you pass away and you woke in the middle of night because in your dreams you realized that you hadn't hugged or kissed that person good night.

Routine is important to us all.

Summer Scheduling

I was reminded this morning of the minor debate over the importance of scheduling for kids during the summer. While this is a subject most parents tend to either ignore or overdo, I believe that it's an important one.

There are lots of reasons for the debate, but the main argument is "Is it really worth my time?" because quite frankly summer is when most of us look forward to not having to force a schedule on our kids. I totally understand this position, but life with my youngest son, who is severely autistic, has caused me to rethink my position.

Especially during the summer, I have found that maintaining a very basic schedule is important for many reasons, not only for my autistic son, but also for my other kids and myself. Keeping a couple of basic daily events the same even during the summer goes a long way toward making getting back to school in the fall much easier, however it's important to not overdo it. I am a firm believer in the idea that if you don't allow kids time to do their own thing your inviting trouble.

My kids have a very skeletal schedule for the summer that has regular times for getting up, eating meals, and going to bed and generally includes at least one other event each day which changes from day to day. Most days that event will be a trip to the swimming pool. Other days it might be a trip to the children's museum downtown, or a joint outing with their cousins to the zoo. Beyond these basic things, I leave their schedule open so that they can play with their friends, read, play video games, watch movies, or whatever else they come up with (within reason of course).

I started scheduling with my kids shortly after the youngest was diagnosed in 2007, and at first, I was in "Super-Mom" mode and completely overdid it. I had almost everything on the schedule- even my kids' playtime with each other was timed out- but it quickly became apparent that I was pushing things too hard. The older kids rebelled, the younger ones tantrummed and they all whined and I accomplished very little beyond stressing myself out and making everyone miserable.

Then I discussed it with a good friend, who also has special needs kids and she said, "Honey, it's best to use a light touch. You have to provide enough structure that you stay in control, but allow enough freedom to not overwork yourself or drive the kids crazy." So I started removing things from the schedule and just leaving blanks. It didn't take long to get the schedule cut down to just basics- get up, meals and bedtime- but I worried that not having anything else in there gave the youngest too little practice with scheduled transitions. That's when I settled on the idea of scheduling one other event during the day. One variable event provides opportunity for him to practice transitioning to something he doesn't necessarily want to do and to practice following directions, but because it's just one thing, it's also a lot less stressful to plan and allows plenty of free time for the kids.

Once I figured out this formula, I was shocked at how well it worked. Over the following years, not only has getting back to school routines in the fall been easier, but I have also noticed that there was an almost immediate drop in the amount of complaints of boredom from the older kids and the general crabby attitudes that used to be so common, especially toward the end of the summer- definitely another plus! The whole summer experience with the kids has become more relaxed and enjoyable.

I would recommend giving it a try, even if you don't have kid with special needs.

Talking to Kids Basics

I don't see how this is a hard concept, but apparently it is. Everyday I see new posts where parents are upset because their kids are doing something crazy (or in some cases the parent is just worried they might) and they're wanting someone to tell them how to fix the problem.

First off, for some of you parents of teens, it may be too late for my advice because talking to your kids is not something that you can just start out of the blue. It can take years to develop the type of trust between you and your child that it takes to make talking to them effective, but without that trust, you can talk until you are blue in the face and the kid will just stare at you blankly as your words go in one ear and out the other. In order to build this trust effectively you have to start early-  the earlier the better.

I often see the question "when did you start talking to your child about ____________." and this is a marker for exactly the wrong mind set. If they are old enough that you are wondering when you should start talking to them about something, you probably should have started talking to them about it at least 6 months ago. For example, I saw one the other day asking for advice on when to start talking to their pre-teen about drugs. Ladies, I have news for you : I started talking to my kids about drugs/ alcohol/ and cigarettes when my oldest was a 1st grader, and now that she is 15, we still have regular family discussions about these subjects and many others, because talking to your kids is not a one time shot- it has to be continuous discussion.

Which brings me to another point- it has to be a discussion, not a lecture. If it's one sided, the chances of it having any impact at all is questionable at best. Ask them some questions and LISTEN to their answers. Find out if they have already talked to friends or teachers or somebody else about it and if they already have opinions about the subject. You may be surprised by how much they already know or think they know and this gives you the opportunity to build on their existing base of knowledge rather than blindly repeat or refuting things they have already accepted as fact, which just makes you look stupid in their eyes. Using their "knowledge" as a spring board to launch your discussion gets them involved and increases the chances that you will actually be heard. And if they claim no knowledge, use media images to start with. Media in this case can include anything that is relevant to your child such as magazines, TV shows, movies or newspapers. For example, I once launched a discussion with my kids about marijuana by reading to them a short article that I found on-line that was talking about fan speculation that Shaggy and Scooby from the show Scooby Doo were potheads. My kids were and still are Scooby Doo fans, so this made the subject very relevant to them.

The next piece, of course, is timing. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A MAGIC TIME TO BROACH A SUBJECT WITH YOUR KIDS. If you are busy looking for that perfect time to talk to them about something, they will get the information somewhere else and your chances of reaching them will disappear. You have to seize the chance to talk them ANYTIME that the opportunity comes up. If you are watching a movie with them and one of the characters starts drinking or smoking, use it! If you find something on-line that you think they may recognize (like I did with the Scooby Doo thing), use it! If you see something in the newspaper that talks about it, use it! And for God's sake, if they ask you a question, USE IT!  You don't need a single perfect moment- several random discussions are more effective than a one specially timed and planned one.